


It Will Be Painless

by space_dev



Series: it isn't fair and it isn't right (to lead you on like it's alright) [1]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Ezra dies, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Season 3, Steps into Shadows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-11 04:20:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13516479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_dev/pseuds/space_dev
Summary: What if Kanan didn't catch Ezra the first try, and Ezra was fatally injured by the time Kanan actually caught him? Set in S3E1, Steps Into Shadows. I don't own Rebels, or any of these characters, I just own the writing.





	It Will Be Painless

"Let go!" Kanan yelled into the wind.

  
Ezra sighed and let go of the rail and started fumbling for Kanan's hand.

He felt the fabric of Kanan's sweater and tried to get a grip, but he couldn't. His face crumpled as he exited the area where Kanan would've been able to catch him, and his head hit a sheet of metal, knocking him out, but giving Kanan another chance to grab Ezra, which also failed. His last resort was using the force to try and tug Ezra in, which thankfully succeeded.

  
"Got him!" He yelled as he slammed the door closed.

  
Hera immediately swooped up and into space, while Kanan attempted to revive Ezra. The sheet of metal had left a nasty cut on Ezra's left temple, and he had big scratches that might need stitches all over his arms and legs, oozing blood. Worst of all, his left leg felt to Kanan like it was about to fall out of the socket, and he wasn't breathing correctly.

  
As soon as Hera entered hyperspace, she came into the back. "What's wrong with him, Kanan?"

  
"He's unconscious and I think there's other scratches and blood."

  
"Holy sith, you're right about that."

  
"How bad?"

  
"Really, really bad."

  
Hera and Kanan bustled about doing everything they could to get Ezra to stop bleeding, and Hera arranged for a medical ship to rendezvous with them when they came out of hyperspace rather than wait out the three hour jump to Atollon, while Kanan pressed a rag to Ezra's temple.

  
The medical ship took Ezra, and there was so much pacing and worry for three hours until a doctor said,  
"He's not going to make it through the night. He suffered considerable damage to his brain, and he has a very high fever, the result of an injury of this volume. His brain will swell and his fever is past the point of no return. I'm sorry."

  
Hera and Kanan were silent, but inside each of them was a lot of noise.

  
"Couldn't he be put in the bacta tank?" Hera asked in a small voice.

  
"The bacta tank was sent to General Callugham's unit because of a severe crash. It cannot be retrieved and the other bacta tanks are too far away."

  
They were quiet again.

  
"We can wake him up if you want, it won't speed up or slow down anything, but you can talk to him one last time. It won't cause him any pain and the drugs will dope him up enough that he won't be distressed. He probably won't be entirely lucid, but lucid enough so that he can hear you and respond."

  
Hera and Kanan looked at each other before remembering that Kanan couldn't see her, but Hera stayed calm and said,

  
"Please."

 

* * *

 

  
"H-Hera?"

  
"Ezra."

  
"The Phantom, i-I explain-"

  
"It's okay, Ezra, it's fine. I don't care about the ship."

  
"What's going o-on?"

  
"Ezra, you're... you're dying. You aren't going to make it through the night."

Ezra was silent for a minute. 

  
"Can I s-see everyone first? P-please?"

  
"Yes, of course you can."

  
Sabine, Chopper, and Zeb were dropping off the Y-Wings, but they could be here in an hour. Hera stepped out for a minute, telling Ezra what she was doing, and told Kanan to com them.

  
"I'm back," Hera said as she stepped back in.

  
"Can Kanan come in too? Are you mad at him? Not his fault, not his fault, don't be mad, my fault, mad at me."

"I'm not mad at anybody, Ezra."

  
"Can he?"

  
"Yes," she said, and stepped out again, and stepped back in with Kanan.

  
"Kanan, I'm sorry."

  
"Don't be, Ezra. It's not your fault."

  
"No. This is my fault. I was reckless, and I endangered everyone's lives, you have to understand, this _was_ my fault. It's not anyone else's fault but mine, and I'm sorry. I want you to accept that it was _my fault_."

"Ezra, we don't need anyone to blame."

"It was my fault."

  
"Ezra.."

  
The door burst open and Zeb, Chopper, and Sabine rushed in as if they were being chased by Darth Vader himself.

  
"Hi," Ezra acknowledged.

  
Sabine took one look at him and wanted to sob, scream, and cuddle him at the same time.

  
"Sabine, Chopper, Zeb, step out into the hall with me," Hera said, getting up and prodding them out the door.

  
"Kanan, please," Ezra began when they were gone.

  
"Ezra, please tell me what you see right now."

  
"Um, okay? I see you, I see dull gray walls, I see a cot that I'm on, I see two plastic chairs, I see you sitting in one of the chairs."

  
"Tell me what you hear."

  
"I hear you, I hear beeping, I hear something dripping, I hear quiet voices outside the door."

  
"Tell me what you feel."

  
"I feel an itchy hospital gown, I feel wet, I feel tubes in my arms and hands and legs, I feel scared, I feel like I failed, I'm scared, Kanan, I'm scared. I thought that when my time came I could accept it, but I'm afraid."

  
"That's okay. It will be painless. It will be quiet and warm. It'll feel like a wave tugging you, a small shell, off a beach, into an ocean. A good, warm, safe ocean."

  
"But the beach is good and warm and safe too."

  
"The beach is the galaxy, it is not good or safe or warm."

  
"But you and Hera and Sabine and Zeb and Chopper are in it, it's safe and good and warm enough for me."

  
"But in the ocean, your parents are there."

  
"But you guys are my family too."

  
"Ezra.."

  
"Can you bring Sabine in here?"

  
"Yes."

  
So Sabine was brought in.

  
"Sabine, can you show me your sketchbook like you promised? Please? I wanna see. And I want you to sit on the bed with me."

  
"Okay," Sabine said in a small voice. A quick trip back to the Ghost (she didn't want to go, her brother was _dying_ and he could be dead by the time she got back) and she was back with a small book. She carefully climbed in bed with him and held him close with one arm and used the other to thumb through the book.

  
"This is from when I met Hera," Sabine said quietly, pausing on a sketch of Hera.

  
The next few pictures were of Hera, the Ghost, Chopper, and Kanan, and after awhile there were attempts at drawing Zeb, but it took Sabine eight sketches to capture Zeb correctly.

  
Then after awhile, there was him. He was scrawny, he didn't have his twin scars on his cheekbone yet, and his hair was still long. He was full of light, and mischief, and energy.

  
"You drew me well," Ezra said quietly.

  
"You are a great drawing subject," Sabine responded. There were a lot of pictures of him, some with other people, like a picture of Kanan and Ezra sparring, Chopper and Ezra fighting over a data chip, Zeb and Ezra arguing, Hera and Ezra making lunch, Ezra and herself drawing.

  
As the drawings progressed, Ezra got older, taller, less scrawny, his scars appeared, and at one point his hair was chopped off. She'd drawn a picture of Ezra's blue locks on the ground, his new hairstyle, and a lock of the hair tied together with a bit of string in Sabine's hand.

  
"Do you still have that hair?" Ezra asked.

  
Sabine nodded.

  
"Wow, you are really sentimental," Ezra teased.

  
"I'm going to miss you, Ezra."

  
"You'll be fine. You can have my helmets, you can paint on them and hang them in the common area, you can fight with Zeb more often to make up for me not being able too, make sure Hera doesn't abuse her stims, and maybe Kanan can teach you how to spar with my lightsaber? And it might get boring without me causing mischief, so you can make more mischief when I'm gone, make them smile, okay?"

  
"I will, Ezra, I promise."

  
"And you will stay happy."

  
"I'll try, Ezra."

  
"Do or do not, there is no try."

  
They were quiet for a little while.

  
"Do you want to have time with someone else?" Sabine asked, breaking the silence.

  
"I want to talk to Zeb, but you're warm so you can stay put."

  
Sabine offered him a small smile and Zeb was brought in.

  
"Zeb, this means you'll get your own cabin again!" Ezra joked cheerily.

  
Zeb cracked a small smile. "That'll be nice, but it'll be kind of boring without you."

  
"Don't worry, I got Sabine to agree to take over with the mischief," Ezra said.

  
A medical droid came in just then. "How on earth are you lucid, child?" The med droid murmured as he started checking Ezra's machines.

  
"It's some sort of final miracle," Sabine said quietly.

  
Ezra talked to Zeb for awhile while the med droid checked all his machines, and then the droid interrupted. "I'm sorry to interrup, but while you seem to be lucid in the head, your body is shutting down. I estimate three hours at the most before your demise."

  
Ezra was silent, and Kanan came back in, feeling the beginning of panic in his padawan.

  
"Ah, yes, Jedi Knight, I shall repeat for you. While Mr. Bridger seems to be lucid in the head, his body is shutting down. I estimate three hours at the most before his demise."

  
Kanan shooed the med droid out and sat in the chair next to the one Zeb was occupying.

  
"How you feeling, kid?" Kanan tried.

  
"Afraid. Slightly panicked. Oh! I remember that there's stuff in my bottom drawer in my wooden box."

  
"Take deep breaths. Why did you mention the box?" Kanan asked.

  
"There's stuff in there, that I wanted you guys to have if I died. I saw Sabine's box of that kind and I made one for myself. I didn't think I'd actually ever need to use it, but can i have it so I can give you guys the stuff? And Hera, Hera's all alone out there with Chopper. It's a wonder that they haven't barged right in yet."

  
"I'll go get your box," Zeb said, getting up and ushering Hera and Chopper in.

  
"How are you feeling, Ezra?" Hera asked, sitting down.

  
"Kanan asked me the same thing about two minutes ago. Did the med droid give you his cheerful speech?"

  
"No.."

  
"He basically said that I'm lucid but I'm going to die in an hour or two," Ezra said quietly.

  
"Thank you, Ezra."

  
"For what?"

  
"For all you did. Stealing Kanan's lightsaber and holocron, saving us each at least once, having the strength to keep going after your suicide attempt, for stealing those crates at the beginning. We needed some fun, something to stir things up around here, make us smile, and you always did just that."

  
"You're welcome..?"

  
Zeb came in with a wooden box and handed it to Ezra, who opened it.

  
"Okay, this... huh. So apparently I wrote a list of what order to give things out by how much I liked them, and whomever I didn't like most got their gift first. Chopper comes out on the bottom, then Zeb, Hera, Sabine, and Kanan."

  
Sabine snorted, Zeb chuckled, Chopper slapped Ezra with his robotic hand, Hera faked offence, and Kanan smiled.

  
"Okay, Chopper, this is for you," Ezra said, giving Chopper a new arm, a right arm, that matched his steel gray left arm.

Chopper took it and asked in droid-speak why Ezra had kept it.

  
"I stole it when I was nine, and it took a long time to figure out a good gift for you, Chop, if I gave it to you I wouldn't have a gift for you anymore," Ezra said.

  
"Zeb, this was my dad's favourite caf mug, and knowing how much caf you drink, you'll be able to put it to good use," Ezra said, handing Zeb a small lumpy gray mug. "I made it when I was five, we used to have a pottery wheel and that was the only thing I ever made that didn't fall apart."

  
Zeb chuckled and took the mug. "Thanks, kid."

  
"Hera, I'm pretty sure you were really tied with Sabine, not under her. This was my mom's," Ezra said, using shaking hands to clasp a small chain around Hera's neck that had a small blue and green glass bead in the shape of a teardrop. "My grandmother on my father's side actually stole this from a senator from Corellia visiting on some imperial business so that the parents of the groom had a gift to give the bride. It's a tradition on Lothal. I learned all my pickpocketing from my mom and paternal grandmother," he said with a small lopsided smile.

  
Hera gave him a little smile too. "Thank you, Ezra."

  
"Sa- woah."

  
"What's wrong, Ezra?" Kanan asked, concerned.

  
"There was a flash of cold. I'm okay now," he said. "Just gotta make sure everyone gets their gifts before I die. Okay," he said, giving Sabine a bundle of papers tied together with a thick braid of some blue plant stem. "Sabine, these are all the drawings I've ever done, at least on the Ghost. And the string that's holding it together is a plant native only to Lothal. If you boil it in hot water for eight minutes it explodes neon colours, works for eighteen boils, and it never goes bad. There's twenty-three strands of it braided together, so it ought to last you awhile. I imagine that you could engineer some sort of reusable explosive with these, since they're pretty much indestructible."

  
Sabine hugged Ezra tighter than she already was.

  
"Kan- ah. It happened again."

  
The med droid came back in as if on cue. "When your body is slowing down, you may experience cold or hot flashes, phantom pain, small spasms, and/or sweating. It is perfectly normal, but when you start having them you've got about fifteen, maybe twenty minutes left."

  
"How delightful," Ezra said quietly. "Well, if I've got fifteen minutes, we better do this fast." He handed Kanan a small round piece of metal. "Kanan, this is a small magnet that will only stick to lightsabers, and it won't fall off or fly to a different saber, even with a force pull. It's attracted to kyber crystals or something. The design on it is the nervous system of a loth-cat, it's weird but I always thought it was cool. Anywa- ah... okay, anyway, you can put it on your lightsaber."

"Thank you, Ezra."

  
It was silent for a moment, then Ezra said, "I have two last requests."

  
"What are they?" Hera asked.

  
"I want Hera and Kanan to yell at me, Hera for my recklessness and loosing the Phantom, Kanan for me opening the Sith holocron, and then I'd like... I'd like it if you all gave me hugs."

  
"That can be arranged," Hera said. Kanan cleared his throat.

  
The two yelled at Ezra with all the anger they could muster, at the same exact time, until Ezra started having small spasms as the med droid had warned.

  
Then, they started hugging Ezra and all of them began tearing up, except for Chopper because he couldn't cry.  
Then Kanan ignited his lightsaber, putting the magnet on and then turning to Ezra.

  
"Uh, Kanan..?"

  
Kanan held the lightsaber near Ezra's left shoulder, then his right, then used the lightsaber to cut off Ezra's padawan braid that he'd plaited long ago.

  
"I pronounce you Ezra Bridger, Jedi Knight," Kanan said in a wavering voice.

  
Ezra smiled what might be his last smile.

  
"Ezra, can I... can I sit in your bed with you, like Sabine?" Hera asked quietly.

  
"Yes, I'd like that. Kanan too, and Zeb if he can fit."

  
They quickly figured out that Zeb wouldn't fit, so Hera and Kanan sat next to Ezra so that Sabine was still next to him too, and wrapped their arms around the boy. Zeb took one of Ezra's hands and Kanan took the other, rubbing mindless patterns onto the back of it.

  
"Thank you for not killing me after I screwed up so many times," Ezra said quietly. Then, "Mom, dad, I'm tired."

  
Hera's and Kanan's eyes shone with tears, Ezra was glad Kanan had taken off his mask, even though they were blind they were still nice to look at.

  
"Go to sleep, Ezra, it's okay," Kanan said.

  
"Will you be here when I wake up?"

  
"I don't know. Your parents might be, though." Hera said.

  
"You guys are basically my parents. And Sabine and Zeb are my older siblings, and Chopper is the annoying loth-cat we keep as a pet."

  
"Go to sleep, Ezra." Sabine said.

  
"Okay, sis," Ezra said, closing his eyes.

 

* * *

 

  
_Kanan said it'd be quiet and painless, like a wave drawing me into an ocean, a good, warm, safe ocean. At least that's what I think he said._

_  
He was right._

_  
But he hadn't said anything about standing next to my bed, surrounded by blue stuff, seeing my family crying over my body on the cot._

_  
Kanan was the only one who saw me standing there. He smiled at me and whispered, "You are one with the force."_

_And then I felt my mom hugging me._

_  
It was a safe, warm, good ocean after all._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Rebels has consumed me.


End file.
